The PURSUIT of HAPPINESS

February 1st, 2010

sick_pumpkin_2_353x470The Pursuit of Happiness (not the Will Smith movie)

First, let me APOLOGIZE for not being funny in this BLOG. I will be back onto lighter topics and funnier lines next blog.

I don’t know if there is a bigger turn-off right now then hearing the words: Health Care. It’s been 7 or 8 months of debates, presentations, and promises about reform, and the future of health-care in our country.

As many of you know I have some first hand knowledge of our health care system. Not the “get checked up once a year or when I’m injured” system, but the real-deal “I’m sick” health care program. The part of our system that catches you when you are falling fastest, hopefully before you hit the ground. I’m talking about serious health problem, emergency care.

I was diagnosed with cancer, a disease so rampant that doctors predict we will all get some form of, if we live long enough. I don’t claim to know all the ins-and-outs of the health-care system, but I have a pretty good perspective as someone who has been seriously ill. Also, I have never sampled the public systems both lauded and vilified in other civilized nations around the world. I have little to compare our system to. I can tell you that 99% of the care I received seemed to be from professionals on top of their game. Informed, caring, reasonable, people that cared about their jobs and their patient (me). I ran into a couple of people who did not fall into that bracket, but they were the exception, and every profession has it’s bad apples still hanging onto the tree.

My point is that the care I received was top-notch, and the fact that I’m still here attests to that. So do I think things need to change? Yes. Drastically. The problem with our system comes in the payment for the services rendered. The care I have received, and  continue to receive, led me straight to bankruptcy. There was no possible way to keep up with the debts I took on for my care. There were bills for tests, bills for scans, bills for consultations, bills for visits, bills for results, bills for surgeries, bills for anesthetics, bills for medicine, bills for rooms, bills for meals, and bills for many other things. Each one of these bills I attempted to pay, either in full or in payments. Many were paid off. Many weren’t. I contacted all the providers (and collectors once they started calling) to negotiate a monthly payment. Those that were open to it at all, were not open to the small amount I was able to pay each month. They told me $25 or $50 a month was not enough. I explained that I had over 20 different places that I was trying to set up monthly payments with, and so it was as much as I could pay at that point. Most said to not bother sending anything and referred me to a collections service. If I was already talking to a collections company they reported me to a credit service. With in two years, my previously squeaky-clean, unmarred credit was ruined. My credit had always been a source of pride for me. I was proud to have had made it into my mid-thirties with perfect credit. When friends in the Navy and college were complaining about their poor credit, and debt, I felt responsible to never have so much as a late payment. Now, after 20 years, because I had gotten sick, that was all ruined. I couldn’t get a credit card with a $50 limit if had wanted. I immediately went from no debt to owing tens and tens of thousands of dollars.  And so after trying to keep up with the medical bills for almost 3 years, I went bankrupt.

Now let me share an interesting twist to this all too common story. I HAVE insurance. That’s right. I purchased medical insurance a few years earlier when I left my day job. I had a basic policy with a high-deductible, that was really tailored in case anything terrible went wrong. Which it did. The policy was made for emergencies like this. It even had a provision to give me $10,000 if I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a great policy for my circumstances. Most of the care, and emergency procedures I needed were covered, AND I got ten grand on top of that to help with miscellaneous bills that might arise. About 80% of the bills I accrued were paid by my insurance. Even with this coverage, I was still filing for bankruptcy within 36 months of being diagnosed.

In the United States, over 60% of bankruptcies are related to medical bills. Medical bills, NOT crazy spending. NOT credit card bills for high-priced electronics. Well over half of bankruptcies were because people got sick and couldn’t pay for it. At probably the lowest time of their life, sick people had to be worrying about their financial future, and how they were going to pay their rent.

I am from the mid-west and a bit of a cynic. My wife is from California and a bit more spiritual than I. It’s like “Dharma and Greg” but funnier. She believes stress and your outlook on life affect your health directly.  But no matter what you believe, or hope, or have faith in, you have to agree that the last thing a sick person should be worrying about is how they are going to put food on the table when they get home from the hospital. Or if they can afford the care they are receiving. When a doctor comes in and says another procedure needs to be done, should the sick person’s first question be “Will this heal me” or “Can I afford this.” It’s hard to argue that good health is not promoted by relieving pain and stress, rather than adding to it.

A couple years ago, to make extra money to pay the bills, I helped my friend Rich do transportation for a big Golf event. Near the end, I drove a man and woman to the airport. They worked in the same company but only knew each other slightly. They were Real Estate Sales people and probably made six-figures and had good health insurance from the large company they worked for.  Somehow, universal health care came up in conversation. Despite my unique perspective on the subject I never entered their discussion. They both felt each other out on the sometimes touchy subject, and when it was clear to the man that the woman probably wasn’t 100% FOR a universal plan, he said “It comes down to this: Is Health Care a right or a privilege?” The inference being that as a right, the government should ensure our well-being as citizens, and as a privilege health-care would be our own responsibility.  It was an interesting breakdown of the argument. He then weighed in with, “I think it’s a privilege. The government has no business guaranteeing a person’s well-being.”

I’m amazed looking back that I didn’t drive off the road. Either at the audacity of his comment, or just to hit a tree and have him fly out the window and experience his privilege first-hand. Is there any other role more important to the government than ensuring our well-being? Isn’t this why we spend trillions on wars and defense spending? To ensure we are safe. Isn’t this why we have food, drug and trade commissions making sure consumers are safe. Isn’t this why the government is in charge of police and fire departments to ensure we are safe and well? Isn’t this the reason the government builds and fixes roads—so that we are safe to move around the country? Doesn’t the government fund the prisons that house anyone that might threaten our well-being? It’s hard to think of any purpose or power I would give to the government that doesn’t involve my well-being. I think that is what they are there for.

So do I think it’s a right? I guess so. Thomas Jefferson said we are endowed with certain inalienable rights including Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. I think the health of American citizens definitely falls under life. And I know that many people have had their pursuit of happiness interrupted by a sickness. I know the government can’t stop us from becoming sick, but they can help us limit the impact of that sickness on our pursuit. In my opinion the lack of Health Care for every citizen is the greatest obstacle in the American Dream today. How many people have a dream project, or business that they would like to pursue, but they can’t because they need the security of medical coverage offered by their present employer. How many people would pursue a dream, a plan or even just a job that offered them more time and less stress if they weren’t concerned about losing their health coverage for their family.  We are a country of people scared to pursue our happiness. And worst of all, it’s all an illusion! If a real emergency or long illness comes up, even the stable job with the “good” coverage won’t be enough to permanently damage a family’s financial situation.

I truly don’t see why anyone would not want the security of Universal Health Care. The freedom to know that whatever tragedy comes your family’s way, you will be OK outside of that health concern. That the rest of you and your family’s life, liberty and pursuit of happiness can remain intact. Who doesn’t think that would be better than the fear and piling on we have now?. Here is who: People who work for the companies making lots of money on the present system, People who haven’t had to deal with any real emergency or illness?

The argument I hear most against health care for everyone is that it doesn’t work in other countries. It seems like other countries are pretty happy with their system, as they are not having the arguments we are right now. And most Americans I know that move abroad review the systems favorably. However, let’s move forward with the argument that it isn’t perfect in other countries and that they have problems. When did we lose the American Spirit that we can do things better? That WE can create something better. That WE can take what others have come up with and make it better. We didn’t invent democracy, we made it better. Democracy failed many times before the idea of the United States. But we didn’t say, “Oh, it didn’t work in GREECE, so forget it.”  No, we said, “This is America and we can do it better. We can do it right.”

Healthcare is not a privilege and I believe with our best minds and commitment, America can do it right.

P.S.  A few people have asked about Dying to Do Letterman project…we are in the editing phase right now…hopefully be done by this time next year and at Sundance! updates as they come.

Greatest Candy Bar of All Time

December 16th, 2009

hmmmm?

hmmmm?

The Great Candy Debate (solved)

Comedy often requires that I spend hours in a car driving to a show. I try to use this time to rehearse my jokes, call friends and family, and listen to a little Howard Stern. More often than not, I instead end up mentally drifting off to solve some of life’s greatest questions like “Who Was the Greatest Rock Frontman Ever” (Farrokh Bulsara), “Best John Hughes Movie” (Planes Trains &Automobiles) and Funniest Name of a Girl I Ever had a Crush On”  (Wendy Listerman).

These mysteries are often solved while eating some junk food. The sweets somehow make the rides go a little quicker. Candy might be the best co-pilot out there. So I thought why not combine my two driving hobbies and figure out what the “Greatest Candy Bar of All  Time” is. Feel free to respond with your own feelings but please be advised that I’ve thought this through and these ARE the definitive answers.

The top 5 are:

5. CHUNKY

  • Pros: Cool, silver packaging like it went into space with the first astronauts. Great grid-like design. Ingredients: Chocolate (needed for any serious contention on this list), Raisins (healthy? And good with chocolate), Peanuts (another great partner for chocolate).
  • Cons:  Kinda small. Sure it’s thicker, but it’s half the size of most candy bars. Only the King-Size bar actually satisfies completely. Because it’s lack in popularity  it is often not as fresh as other candy bars— BEWARE: buying a CHUNKY in a deserted gas station can result in a CHALKY.
  • VERDICT: Raisinets and Goobers combined into trapezoidal tastiness.

4.   HERSHEY’s with ALMONDS

  • Pros: Great, simple packaging that comes in two layers, the inner of which makes you feel as if you might find the Golden Ticket from Willy Wonka. The HERSHEY letters imprinted on the nicely sized bar make it fun to bite off bits and spell different words (He, Her, She, Hey. etc..) making it that much more fun to eat. Ingredients: Milk Chocolate and Almonds. Great simple combo.
  • Cons: A little too simple. Ingredients can often be found in other candy bars.
  • Verdict: Classic chocolate bar delivers.

3.    WATCHAMACALLIT

  • Pros: Great name. This carries it a long way. Great original marketing campaign where someone asked “What are you eating”  answer: “Watchamacallit” and devolved into a “Who’s On First” parody.   Great size. Ingredients: Chocolate, Crisped Rice & Caramel.
  • Cons: Not really advertised anymore as far as I’ve seen. Seems to be coasting on reputation.
  • Verdict: Gimmicky name gives way to classic Rice Krispie Treat with Chocolate.

2. PEANUT M&M’s

  • Pros: Rarely does a sequel surpass the original (Godfather 2 & Empire Strikes Back are the exceptions) but this candy does it. Original M&M’s are good, but add a peanut, and the size and taste quadruples! Packaging is nice, and the multiple colors inside make each finger-shovel a surprise. Ingredients: Chocolate candy-coating around a nice sized peanut.  Best of all? It melts in your mouth not in…well, you know.
  • Cons: Because it isn’t a single bar, friends think they are for sharing (they’re not). Package makes noise which makes it hard to hide from aforementioned beggars. Different colors allow prima-donna celebs to request certain colors in dressing room
  • Verdict: These should be called M&M’s and the other, lesser, original version should be called M&M’s without Peanuts

1. REESE’s PEANUT BUTTER CUPS (was there any doubt?)

  • Pros: This is actually the only candy that deserves to be in the Pros—all others  are minor leaguers. Great orange packaging that can be spotted from miles and aisles away. Very popular so they are always fresh. Great marketing, from You put your Chocolate in my Peanut Butter…” and “Two great tastes, that taste great together” to the contemporary How do you eat a Reese’s?” Their holiday versions are the best—forgoing just changing the packaging to adjusting the size, shape and mixture for each tree, egg or pumpkin. Mini-Reese’s are often available for purchase individually at cash register.  There are two cups—that beats one (see CHUNKY), and how many other candies come in a cup? Ingredients: Chocolate and Peanut Butter (how does The Bible not mention what day God created these two?)
  • Cons: None really…but if I had to say one bad thing it would be that they are susceptible to the heat. On a warm day the cup quickly becomes a bowl.
  • Verdict: Long live the King! Admit it, when you would trick-or-treat, if a house gave out Reese’s, you’d try and go back more than once. I rest my case

Honorable Mentions:Marathon Bar (very hard to find), Charleston Chew (only really good if frozen), Hostess Cupcakes (not really a candy bar, but damn good), Nestle Crunch (just missed the cut), Butterfinger (freshness matters) Baby Ruth (see Caddyshack)

THANKS-A-LOT

December 1st, 2009

Thanks A-Lot

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Thanksgiving is one of our top holidays. This can be proven by the fact that it has a nick-name. All great holidays have nicknames. You don’t have to say Thanksgiving, you can say “Happy Turkey Day.”  Christmas, arguably our #1 holiday can get substituted with a  “Merry X-mas.”   Special days like Veteran’s Day, when we take time to pay tribute and respect to those who risked their lives for our freedom get left behind on the holiday ladder because it lacks a good nickname. It just doesn’t sound right to say, “Have a good V.D.”

If anyone should be thankful this year it is me. I just received one of my best oncologist check-ups since being diagnosed with cancer almost 4 years ago. Even better lab results than my last visit, and I’m sure great scans to follow soon. I reached a life-long dream, and career-goal this year by performing on The Late Show with David Letterman.” The show itself went better than I ever imagined. My wife’s studio (Your Neighborhood Dance Studio) is doing so well, despite the recession, that she is moving to a bigger location.

So if anyone deserves to be thankful it’s me. I may never win an Oscar, but I’d like to take this blog to put out some thanks to all those close and far, direct and indirect, that made this a great year. Here we go, play along

MY SPEECH

Scene: Int. KODAK THEATRE -night

Announcer: He starred in Mission Impossible…and her keeping a boyfriend for more than a week is mission impossible…please welcome Tom Cruise and Jennifer Aniston (crowd cheers)

Tom Cruise: Hi Jen, good to see an old friend… (crowd fakes laughter)…The nominees for most thankful are, Steve Mazan, Barack Obama, Mickey Rourke, and Jimmy Fallon…And the winner for Most Thankful 2009 is…  (hands envelope to Jennifer)

Jennifer Anniston: (opens envelopes, looks at winner and gets huge smile)  Oh my, God! STEVE MAZAN!!!!

Crowd stands as Steve makes way to stage hugging random celebrities and getting a thumbs up from Jack Nicholson.

Steve takes stage, kisses Jennifer on the cheek, she tries to grab his ass. He pushes her hand away.  He shakes Tom’s hand, Tom tries to grab his ass. Steve lets him. Steve then steps behind the podium.

Steve Mazan: Thank you. Thank you, all. Please…please…please, remain standing throughout my speech.

It’s been an incredible year. I’d like to thank,

My wife Denise for having bad enough judgement to choose  and stay with me.

Eddie Brill for booking me on David Letterman, and Dave for delaying any scandals until afterward.

Joke and Biagio of Joke Productions for their friendship, support and of course endless talent (Dying To Do Letterman documentary coming in 2010)

My Fans, new and old, who came to see me and supporting me in my quest to be on Letterman

My Family for loving me, and screwing me up in such a nice balance that I chose comedy as a career.

My Oncologist Dr. Orenstein for keeping me healthy and repeatedly telling me that Brownies do NOT cure cancer. (I’m still trying to test this)

My Friends for assisting me in the Brownie Theory, and listening to all the BAD jokes on the way to Letterman.

My Dogs for never giving a crap about cancer or Letterman, but rather when dinner is… and for our continuing game of “Guess Where I Pooped”

Pardon the Interruption’s Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser for giving me 22 minutes a day to catch up on the important things in life that aren’t comedy related.

Diet Coke for allowing me to function before noon.

Howard Stern and his cast for being the best companion a guy could want on long road trips. I really believe I’ll die from driving off the road laughing someday, instead of cancer.

Reese’s for having introduced not only the BIG CUP, but the BIG CUP two-pack, the Reese’s EGG at Easter, PUMPKIN at Halloween, and TREE at X-mas. You have proven that chocolate and peanut butter taste great in every festive shape. They are the best and most convenient substitutes when Brownies can not be found.

…and of course The Academy and the foreign press for finally noticing my Thankfullness.

Editing Begins On “Dying To Do Letterman”

November 12th, 2009

A NEW BEGINNING

So I started working with the filmmakers  at www.jokeproductions.com to start molding all the footage we’ve shot over the past five years into a feature length documentary film. I’m really just logging tape and throwing in my two cents when asked. Biagio is the real talent when it comes to editing, as anyone who saw the “Dying to Do Letterman” trailer knows. So I’m just playing the lovely assistant while he performs his magic.

LOOKING BACK

Very cool to look back at footage of all the cool things that happened on the way to Letterman:

  • Interviews with Ray Romano and other surprise celebrities
  • Trips to Iraq and Afghanistan
  • Lotsa laughs with Denise and my friends,
  • and obviously some very sad moments as well…

It’s strange but kinda cool to see all the hard things I went thru on the way. I can look at them now and remember feeling like I would not make it through. Incredible what love, laughter, and a dream will help you conquer.

DAVE SCANDAL

We should have a new “DyingTo Do Letterman” site up soon. Until then, the old one is still going  www.dyingtodoletterman.com We are going to keep the name, despite the fact that due to the recent scandal with my buddy Dave, it sounds like I want to “do” him. For the record, I did not have sex with him…but as my good friend and comic Robert Duchaine says “It’s nice to be asked.”

SM

DSC_0054

R U LIVING?

Friday Sept 4th- ON LETTERMAN!

October 7th, 2009

Today my appearance on “The Late Show w/David Letterman” appears. I taped it Monday and it’s been a fun week relishing in it and spreading the word. I kept it low key that I was going to be on in case I got bumped because a guest talked too much.

Luckily that didn’t happen. Anyone who knows me, knows getting on Dave’s show has been a lifelong dream. Realizing it has been…like a dream. It definitely has not hit me. Maybe when I’m watching it with friends and family tonight it will. Maybe seeing myself shake hands with Dave will let the real action that took place sink in.

Or maybe it will always feel surreal–like a dream. Maybe that’s how dreams should be… never really soaking in to the point where you accept that they happen. Maybe that’s the magic in them? Maybe that keeps them being taken for granted once you’ve reached them. I don’t know, I’ve never reached such a seemingly impossible dream before.

I’ll let ya know. But it’s hard to predict that this smile is going to leave my face anytime soon.