Steve Mazan

hmmmm?

The Great Candy Debate (solved)

Comedy often requires that I spend hours in a car driving to a show. I try to use this time to rehearse my jokes, call friends and family, and listen to a little Howard Stern. More often than not, I instead end up mentally drifting off to solve some of life’s greatest questions like “Who Was the Greatest Rock Frontman Ever” (Farrokh Bulsara), “Best John Hughes Movie” (Planes Trains &Automobiles) and “Funniest Name of a Girl I Ever had a Crush On”  (Wendy Listerman).

These mysteries are often solved while eating some junk food. The sweets somehow make the rides go a little quicker. Candy might be the best co-pilot out there. So I thought why not combine my two driving hobbies and figure out what the “Greatest Candy Bar of All  Time” is. Feel free to respond with your own feelings but please be advised that I’ve thought this through and these ARE the definitive answers.

The top 5 are:

5. CHUNKY

• Pros: Cool, silver packaging like it went into space with the first astronauts. Great grid-like design. Ingredients: Chocolate (needed for any serious contention on this list), Raisins (healthy? And good with chocolate), Peanuts (another great partner for chocolate).
• Cons:  Kinda small. Sure it’s thicker, but it’s half the size of most candy bars. Only the King-Size bar actually satisfies completely. Because it’s lack in popularity  it is often not as fresh as other candy bars— BEWARE: buying a CHUNKY in a deserted gas station can result in a CHALKY.
• VERDICT: Raisinets and Goobers combined into trapezoidal tastiness.

4.   HERSHEY’s with ALMONDS

• Pros: Great, simple packaging that comes in two layers, the inner of which makes you feel as if you might find the Golden Ticket from Willy Wonka. The HERSHEY letters imprinted on the nicely sized bar make it fun to bite off bits and spell different words (He, Her, She, Hey. etc..) making it that much more fun to eat. Ingredients: Milk Chocolate and Almonds. Great simple combo.
• Cons: A little too simple. Ingredients can often be found in other candy bars.
• Verdict: Classic chocolate bar delivers.

3.    WATCHAMACALLIT

• Pros: Great name. This carries it a long way. Great original marketing campaign where someone asked “What are you eating”  answer: “Watchamacallit” and devolved into a “Who’s On First” parody.   Great size. Ingredients: Chocolate, Crisped Rice & Caramel.
• Cons: Not really advertised anymore as far as I’ve seen. Seems to be coasting on reputation.
• Verdict: Gimmicky name gives way to classic Rice Krispie Treat with Chocolate.

2. PEANUT M&M’s

• Pros: Rarely does a sequel surpass the original (Godfather 2 & Empire Strikes Back are the exceptions) but this candy does it. Original M&M’s are good, but add a peanut, and the size and taste quadruples! Packaging is nice, and the multiple colors inside make each finger-shovel a surprise. Ingredients: Chocolate candy-coating around a nice sized peanut.  Best of all? It melts in your mouth not in…well, you know.
• Cons: Because it isn’t a single bar, friends think they are for sharing (they’re not). Package makes noise which makes it hard to hide from aforementioned beggars. Different colors allow prima-donna celebs to request certain colors in dressing room
• Verdict: These should be called M&M’s and the other, lesser, original version should be called M&M’s without Peanuts

1. REESE’s PEANUT BUTTER CUPS (was there any doubt?)

• Pros: This is actually the only candy that deserves to be in the Pros—all others  are minor leaguers. Great orange packaging that can be spotted from miles and aisles away. Very popular so they are always fresh. Great marketing, from “You put your Chocolate in my Peanut Butter…” and “Two great tastes, that taste great together” to the contemporary “How do you eat a Reese’s?” Their holiday versions are the best—forgoing just changing the packaging to adjusting the size, shape and mixture for each tree, egg or pumpkin. Mini-Reese’s are often available for purchase individually at cash register.  There are two cups—that beats one (see CHUNKY), and how many other candies come in a cup? Ingredients: Chocolate and Peanut Butter (how does The Bible not mention what day God created these two?)
• Cons: None really…but if I had to say one bad thing it would be that they are susceptible to the heat. On a warm day the cup quickly becomes a bowl.
• Verdict: Long live the King! Admit it, when you would trick-or-treat, if a house gave out Reese’s, you’d try and go back more than once. I rest my case

Honorable Mentions:Marathon Bar (very hard to find), Charleston Chew (only really good if frozen), Hostess Cupcakes (not really a candy bar, but damn good), Nestle Crunch (just missed the cut), Butterfinger (freshness matters) Baby Ruth (see Caddyshack)